There is just so much going on with transgender topic these days. It’s a reocurring debate pendling somewhere between diagnosing a mental ilness and equal rights. But there’s one thing that is still missing. At least in my eyes. People tend to talk and talk but they miss the point. So. Very. Often.
There are at least million and one articles written in a response to a question: How do you know you’re transgender? And there are million and one answers that all look the same to me. Those obvious ones, like not putting up with clothes, or wanting to cut your d*ck off. The chances are, once You did or tried to do some of those things, You pretty much know there is something wrong. But what’s before the knowing? How does one work up their mind towards wanting to change their gender? That’s what’s often missing from all those guidelines the internet is filled with.
So here’s my first post on this issue. That issue I considered personal and private for so long and the one that shaped me my entire life. Just remember, I’m writing this from my own personal experience. That means you don’t have to be the same or feel obligated to diagnose yourself if you tick all the boxes. Some of the categories I’m going to mention here are pretty obvious. And some of them fit other mental illnesses. But I hope at least one of those won’t be as transparent as in all those other articles out there.
You can relate
But I also understood why men (or boys back then) didn’t understand that. Somehow I always knew what was expected from boys and what from girls. So there were times when I tried to explain to boys and girls why they argue. I was very often the middle man, quietly listening to others and providing that help they so desperately needed to solve yet another school drama.
But the truth is it all started way before. I can’t be sure about this, but I think I got my first few hints with my parents arguing. While everyone else in the family always took one side or another, I felt for them both. I knew why my mother felt so emotional. And I knew why my father couldn’t understand anything else but a sheer sense of logic. That’s very simply put, of course.
Feeling better around your gender
This is not only about playing sports, or cooking little sand pies. You just feel better around them. If you end up by any chance in an opposite team, you feel alienated. If you try hard enough, maybe you`ll eventually fit in, but it will never be so natural as with “them”. You can finally feel yourself, be yourself, express what couldn’t have been expressed before. And they will understand you. You can talk with them without being labelled as a “fag”, “sissy” or a tomboy.
If you stick around your preferred gender for some time, you`ll find out that you fit in naturally. That even people there accept you as part of their team, even if subconsciously. On the other hand, there will be something about you that feels not quite right and plain weird in the opposite team. No matter how hard you try, people subconsciously feel you don`t belong. And you feel it too.
Traditions are not meant for you
I couldn’t count how many times my father wanted to share “masculine” activities with me. And I couldn’t count how many times they bored me to death. Let’s clean up, cook, pipple in the garden, but for the love of God Almighty, put those nails and hammer away.
For a long time I thought that’s just me being lazy. Lazy to the point I rather took a hoover and a mop than a saw in my hand. Then it hit me. I’m not being lazy at all!
Wearing a mask in public
Because you are constantly pushed to interact and be with your biological sex, you may feel like having a mask on your face. It’s that side of you that is perfectly acceptable for them. But you know that isn’t the real you. You want to act totally different but don’t want to stick out at the same time. In the end, you know who you are and you can take off the mask once you are alone. Finally. If you had to be there for one more minute you’d explode. That’s why people like you tend to love peace and quiet, at least once in a while. Some people around you are perceptive enough and can see behind that acting.
“You are so sensitive and you understand me. You are our little man.”
That’s why you have to try so hard to leave the mask on. But even then, sometimes it happens. The mask slips off and you are left with your true self. Fortunately, it’s always only for a few seconds and moments. But for some people that’s enough to notice. “You must be gay. You sure you`re not one of those gay guys, (staring right at you). I think you are but you just won`t confess.” Yea, maybe you are up to something, but I`m not ready to cope with myself right now.
Keeping the beast tamed
Wearing a mask all the time is no easy task. And from time to time, it’s just too much. You have to tame the beast inside. It’s that part of you you don’t really understand. You just know it’s the reason why you feel so sad. And when friends can’t help you, there are other things that can make you forget. Like drugs. And alcohol. A lot of it. The goal is to forget. At least for a short while. Who gives a shit that this is not the real me when there are few beers and couple of shots at the table? Now it’s not the time to struggle, but to laugh!
Overcompensation is the way
How many times you heard you’re not masculine/feminine enough? Perhaps so often, it started to make sense. Let’s put on some gym clothes and make those muscles grow! You are a man, you have to act like it! And the very first step to do that is often to look like one. No matter it`s exactly the opposite of what you want to do with your body. You`ll finally fit in and everybody (including you) will be happy.
But seeing results of your effort doesn’t bring you joy. Actually, it brings you only more sadness, because now you look like a bad joke of bodybuilder. Look at your body in the mirror. If the person that was staring at you before all that training wasn’t you, now it’s someone completely alienated from how you feel. Actually, it feels kind of like you are just a pilot in some big robot machine and people can’t see you. Sweet irony. You wanted to be yourself and you did the exact opposite!
You are keen on some of your body features
Maybe you are a guy with wider hips and a bit of a boob fat. No matter what nature decided to do with you during a puberty, that’s still there. And you’re glad that you have it, because it reminds you that you’re unique. You might even subconsciously accept the fact that you want to be someone else. But it will still take some time until it bubbles out.
Traditional act of sex doesn`t feel right
Yes. I like girls. I like being with them. Kissing them. Loving them. But I don’t like having sex with them. It’s a complete and utter waste of time. It’s boring. But I’m in the mood, so let’s do it. And here we are again, I’m counting seconds and minutes and my mind is wondering somewhere else. I’ll go for a walk tomorrow. Perhaps. Or maybe not. Oh, that thing between my legs feels weird alone. Why do I have to put it somewhere and repeat the process again? Oh, you’re right, we’re having sex. Gosh, is it over yet?
Why am I the one who takes and not the one who gives? I`d like that so much! I even had that dream last week where I was a girl…
The question: “Why do I look like him and not her?”
From the very young age you keep asking yourself this question. Why am I a boy and she’s a girl? What if it was reversed? And why do people call her girl and not me? Actually, this is the first decisive hint that you might be transgender. Because this question leads to other. More vivid inquiries. Something like: “Why was I born like this?” “Why doesn’t she have what I have? (feeling jealous)”.